Unsilenced dreams

Unsilenced dreams

The goals that hold true and ring truth when they are verbalized.

The dreams that are only fantasy until their contents become articulated and rung out on paper.

A stream of consciousness that one must endlessly wade through.

The plans that make time stand still.

The opportunities that never come.

The tears that never fall.

I'm reaching for the end of the rainbow only to return to the origin of my thoughts.

The scream that can't come out.

The sob that sustains.

The echoing silence that sounds so loud that it hurts.

The space in between the words and sentences, unspoken.

The thoughts that collide with other thoughts only to be pushed back beyond the boundary of comprehension.

An unrealized gift or skill. Are there such things?

The original idea. Truly an idealistic fantasy to be sure.

The hopes that are dashed once expressed.

Rejection. Success. Reality. A compressed series of concepts:  an infinitesimal grain greater than thought itself.

 

I wake from a dream only to enter in to another.

My life is a series of idealistic hopes and goals that are not yet realized.

School? Another child? A career? Maintaining a happy marriage: this one has me reeling from the ultimate realization. Relationships with friends? Are all of these things reasonable dreams to maintain and express without fear of rejection from the greater social world we live in? Social inclusion, yet another self-serving fantasy.

I have a dream to be able to raise a family and provide as a father, a husband, the primary bread winner. Is this enough? Should I dream for more? Society, perhaps Western society would seem to dictate that my dreams hopes, goals should be loftier. Is this thought only a grain of an untapped source for delusions of grandeur? Does it matter?

My love of technology runs deep, however I am not sure that I want to teach people how to use technology. This is what I've been doing for almost eight years for my working career. Am I ready for a change? Could I find work in a different country? Is it fair for me to uproot my family and move us back to Vietnam? China? Is it foolish to reject the land of opportunity? What kind of an education would Song have access to in another country? As usual, more questions than useful answers.

In my heart of hearts, I know that I am afraid to take some of the steps that create future foundations and opportunities both for myself and my family. My trust in the institution of education has been dashed by the political games that one must play in order to obtain completion. Completion of a degree does not mean that a job can be easily secured or assured. The only thing that is assured from finishing my degree is financial debt. I do not want my family to be in debt. I can't let my family or myself become destitute just to obtain the American dream of a college education. What is a degree anyway?

Going back to goals: we have this goal of writing for an hour at the start of each week. This is the second opportunity for us to meet the goal and I already feel grateful for a chance to purge my thoughts. A new beginning is offered each week.

Yesterday: May 27, 2012. I woke up in a daze. A deep sense of something overshadowing my thoughts. Perhaps a bout of depression, tiredness, both? I forced myself to attend meeting and leave early since I was falling asleep and couldn't focus my thoughts on meditation, peaceful or otherwise. Perhaps the feeling was caused by the approaching storm? A walk, some food, a nap, some talking and finally some thunder and a gentle rain: all of these events created space for my uneasiness to subside back in to the edges of my subconsciousness where questions remain unanswered.

 

Plans for today, this week, the rest of this year?

Find out more about California. Create the change I want in myself. Answer the questions one at a time. Let the silent scream of my dreams ring the truth from my soul and allow me to find realization in this universe.

A chirping bird? A tapping lizard. Song is awake. Time to return to today.