3:00 AM.
I am awakened by a cry, a creak, out baby awakes wanting to nurse. We've been doing so well with the whole night weening process. It's so hard to not to let go and let her nurse when she wants. Surely nature knows what is right for the body? Right? Am I awake? Is this a dream? Did I actually sleep? My body says no, but my mind say surely I must have. What time is it?
Last night I dreamt, or was it actually this morning. I'm sure of it, although the only thing I remember from my dreams is "Blackout writing". I'm not sure what the context is, but a fuzzy memory is emerging. Blackout writing, to write about one's experiences rather than focusing on the bigger truth. Anyway, it doesn't make any sense. Perhaps I'm feeling guilty for the lack of depth in the writing efforts of late. Does it matter?
A small memory of a dream about being sent away. I was adopted by a family who later decided that I was the wrong child. They didn't want to take me back to the orphanage, so sent me away to fend for myself. A dream that mirrors reality with a number of facets of twisted truth. It was raining when I left the home of lights and walked with my head down in to the night.
June 3:
Another bout of depression after a peaceful meeting full of meditation. I take out my frustrations on Youme, which only makes me feel worse. I know that Song can also feel my erratic mood swings and I don't want this. The meandering thoughts are starting to clear. The meditation process was focussed on design concepts for a work related project. The evolution of the mobile reader: dynamic real-time access to printed text for the blind and visually impaired. I really enjoy having the time to think about the user interface and user experience, however I didn't give myself the time to write down or record my ideas while thoughts and concepts were still clear.
Perhaps this fueled the annoyance after meeting. I can't be sure, but I'm determined to control myself better in the future. Time for some happy thoughts.
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