California Dreamin

California Dreamin

I awoke this morning with a blank mind. This is difficult for me to imagine, however the changes that occur in my thought processes after a cup of coffee leads me to believe this to be true. Some people talk about having fuzzy thoughts as if there is some sort of haze involved in the thinking process. Did I dream last night even though I don't remember dreaming? Is this important?

Caffeine, the scary drug of conscious thinking. How did I let myself become addicted. With my thoughts now actively scattered, I must try to wright for an hour. A meditation process that hopefully will calm the etherial beast.

A brief conversation about California, a dream that will soon be reality has me slightly scared. Is this the right decision to be making at this time? Will we thrive as a family in California? Will we have access to the necessary resources, financial, spiritual, etc? The transition process alone is daunting. I suppose a move across the country should be. I wonder if there is more we should be doing to help David and Edith for our transition. The distance of miles and time away from family, the east coast, and friends transports my thoughts in a diving spiral and scatter them in to unreadable tatters. Should we be trying to move things out of storage today, tomorrow? Does it make sense to fly back later and do it. Are we giving ourselves enough time to make the transition? Do we have enough financial resources right now to continue the journey? Money isn't everything, but it certainly helps make the process run more smoothly.

Grasping: I am reaching for that grain of hope, the answer to the question, are we making the right choice? Is there an aspect of this truth that we've not yet realized?

Mindless musings about borrowed time. The chances of today only serve to create tomorrow's questions. What does that mean anyway?

Sentences, paragraphs, words, characters, shreds of ideas without substance. My thoughts are swirling and I feel buffeted in a spiritual wind that pulls me ever onward toward an unknown destination. My heart tells me the answer is "love of the journey," but my head tells me, you have many chances to mess up.

Love of the journey, the adventure of hope for a dream not yet realized or perhaps constantly changing. I seek truth only to find that social acceptance is not the full answer. At least, not the answer that brings complete satisfaction.

Circling back to success, determination, motivation to keep on keeping on. The sounds of cats quarreling in the backyard has broken my concentration. Again I grasp at the swirling thoughts, like shreds of paper blowing in the wind, each has an important truth written for m eyes only. Reaching, reaching, with both hands and my heart and I catch nothing.

Airline tickets, flights, the journey must go on. I try to create a timeline for the adventure in my head. A trip up the east coast to spend time with family and friends followed by a journey to the southwest only to return to the point of decision. Let the journey continue.